In the Middle of the Night

I can’t sleep.

For some odd reason, I don’t feel well. It’s not because I’m sick because I pretty much recovered from the illness. It feels like depression (and oh boy, we sure don’t want to go down that road again…).

I’m having such negative thoughts right now that it makes me wonder how it got there. I should be very happy at this moment. I just finished going to one of the best trips I’ve ever had with my best friend (although it was very tiring) and I’ve met some wonderful and interesting people on the amtrak (which I’ll blog more about later).

I think I’m simply dissatisfied with my life as of right now.

I want everything happening in my life to end right now and start all over again. I want high school to end, I want to go to college, I want to begin my career, I want to start over, I want, I want, I want…..

I sound very selfish right now.

It’s an inexplicable, inescapable feeling that leaves me utterly helpless at the power of depression. I wonder if it is depression or is it just dissatisfaction?

Either way, I’m having some very moody, cynical, and depressing thoughts.

But do you know what I really want right now?

I want a hug.

It’s strange, wanting a hug at this hour of the night. I just want a hug from somebody: my mom, my brother, Marcus, Audrey, Christine, George, Teresa…whoever I can grab right now.

I have pains in my chest, is it because of a desire of company? I do miss my friends a lot, but I want a hug more.

I recall how, in the past, my thoughts of suicide and death simply dissipated with just one hug. It’s a wonderfully simple and powerful weapon against negativity.

I want a hug, but nobody’s going to give it to me at one in the morning because nobody’s going to be awake at this hour of the night.

I want to feel better about myself and other people. I hate this feeling of depression. I want to talk to somebody about it.

I hope I can go on a promenade tomorrow…err today.

….I still want a hug…dammit