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My Long-Lost Cousin

Today, my cousin stopped by my store today to find his father. I had long forgotten how messed up my family is. I won’t go into the details, but my cousin was on a holy mission to find his father and punch him in the face.

It’s times like these that I realize my family is not the great generator of warm and comfort that it should be. It is cold and ruthless with my uncles vying for each other’s money to escape their own problems.

I have never talked about my family, except to a few close friends. But I think I will slowly tell their stories one by one. If I am to refer to them, I believe that they should at least have their stories told in the most objective and neutral way as possible.

Well, that’s not the point of today’s post.

My cousin had changed so much. He’s 20, turning 21 soon. He has a Cambodian girlfriend and they both have a kid that’s about 2 years old. He had grown much more width-wise when I last saw him and he grew out his beard. He was also very tan so he could pass off as a Latino if he wanted to.

During our conversation, he was struggling to speak Vietnamese and my aunt started cracking up when he couldn’t pronounce certain words correctly. She’s so messed up.

It was nice that he came by to visit even when our family has pretty much fallen apart. He asked my dad if he knew where his father was. To my relief, he replied that he didn’t know. I was slightly afraid that he was going to murder his father if he found out and we might see his body in a newspaper or something.

Whatever the case, it’s nice to catch up on old times. I’ll update on my life as soon as I can.

-Eddie

It seems that today is the day that my family is going to bury my grandfather.

My only regret is that I will not see him before the burial. I can now only remember him through faded memories and forgotten pictures of a time long gone.

Damn it all, I have so many regrets. I hate myself for not being there for him.

Thank you Michelle for your kind words, I really appreciate them. Thank you everybody that has helped me through this difficult time.

I might update again today.

-Eddie

This is an interesting essay that I found while I was reading through my literature book today. It makes some interesting comments about the nature of our society and its scathing social commentary can be felt throughout the entire essay.

Have fun, have an open mind, and enjoy reading it!

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Dear little Six – Billionth Living Person: As one of the newest members of a notoriously inquisitive species, it probably won’t be too long before you start asking the two $64,000 questions with which the other 5,999,999,999 of us have been wrestling for some time.
How did we get here? And, now that we are here, how shall we live?

Oddly – as if six billion of us weren’t enough to be going on with – it will almost certainly be suggested to you that the answer to the question of origins requires you to believe in the existence of a further, invisible, innefable Being “somewhere up there”, an omnipotent creature whom we poor limited creatures are unable even to perceive, much less to understand. That is, you will be strongly encouraged to imagine a heaven, with at least one god in residence.
This sky god, it’s said, made the universe by churning its matter in a giant pot. Or, he danced. Or, he vomited creation out of himself. Or, he simply called it into being, and lo, it Was. In some of the more interesting creation stories, the singly mighty sky god is subdivided into many lesser forces – junior dieties, avatars, gigantic metamorphic “ancestors” whose adventures create the landscape, or the whimsical, wanton, meddling, cruel pantheons of the great polytheisms, whose wild doings will convince you that the real engine of creation was lust; for infinite power, for too easily broken human bodies, for clouds of glory. But it’s only fair to add that there are also stories which offer the message that the primary creative impulse was, and is, love.
Many of these stories will strike you extremely beautiful, and therefore seductive. Unfortunately, however, you will not be required to make a purely literary response to them. Only the stories of dead religions can be appreciated for their beauty. Living religions require much more of you. So you will be told that belief in “your” stories, and adherence to the rituals of worship that have grown up around them, must become a vital part of your life in the crowded world. They will be called the heart of your culture, even of your individual identity.

It is possible that they may at some point come to feel inescapable, not in the way that the truth is inescapable, but in the way that a jail is. They may at some point cease to feel like the texts in which human beings have tried to solve a great mystery, and feel, instead, like the pretexts for other properly anointed human beings to order you around. And it’s true that human history is full of the public oppression wrought by the charioteers of the gods.
In the opinion of religious people, however, the private comfort that religion brings more than compensates for the evil done in its name.

As human knowledge has grown, it has also become plain that every religious story ever told about how we got here is quite simply wrong. This, finally, is what all religions have in common. They didn’t get it right. There was no celestial churning, no maker’s dance, no vomiting of galaxies, no snake or kangaroo ancestors, no Valhalla, no Olympus, no six-day conjuring trick followed by a day of rest. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But here’s something genuinly odd. The wrongness of the sacred tales hasn’t lessened the zeal of the devout in the least. If anything, the sheer out-of-step zaniness of religion leads the religious to insist ever more stridently on the importance of blind faith.

As a result of this faith, by the way, lt has proved impossible, in many parts of the world, to prevent the human race’s numbers from swelling alarmingly. Blame the overcrowded planet at least partly on the misguidedness of the races spiritual guides. In your own lifetime, you may witness the arrival of the nine billionth world citizen.

(If too many people are being born as a result, in part, of religious strictures against birth control, then too many people are also dying because religious culture, by refusing to face the facts of human sexuality, also refuses to fight against sexually transmitted diseases.)

There are those who say that the great wars of the new century will once again be wars of religion, jihads and crusades, as they were in the Middle Ages. I don’t believe them, or not in the way they mean it. Take a look at the Muslim world, or rather the Islamist world, to use the word coined to describe Islam’s present day “political arm”. The divisions between its great powers (Afghanistan against Iran against Iraq against Saudi Arabia against Syria against Egypt) are what strike you most forcefully. There’s very little resembling a common purpose. Even after the non-Islamic NATO fought a war for the Muslim Kosovan Albanians, the Muslim world was slow in coming forward with much needed humanitarian aid.

The real wars of religion are the wars religions unleash against ordinary citizens within their “sphere of influence.” They are wars of the godly against the largely defenceless – American fundamentalists against pro-choice doctors, Iranian mullahs against their country’s Jewish minority, Hindu fundamentalists in Bombay against that city’s increasingly fearful Muslims.

The victors in that war must not be the closed-minded, marching into battle with, as ever, God on their side. To choose unbelief is to choose mind over dogma, to trust in our humanity instead of all these dangerous divinities. So, how did we get here? Don’t look for the answer in story books. Imperfect human knowledge may be a bumpy, pot-holed street, but it’s the only road to wisdom worth taking. Virgil, who believed that the apiarist Aristaeus could spontaneously generate new bees from the rotting carcess of a cow, was closer to a truth about origins than all the revered old books.

The ancient wisdoms are modern non-senses.

Live in your own time, use what we know and, as you grow up, perhaps the human race will finally grow up with you and put aside childish things. As the song says, “It’s easy if you try.”

As for mortality, the second great question – how to live? What is right action, and what wrong?- it comes down to your willingness to think for yourself. Only you can decide if you want to be handed down the law by priests, and accept that good and evil are somehow external to ourselves.

To my mind, religion – even at its most sophisticated – essentially infantalizes our ethical selves by setting infallible moral Arbiters and irredeemably immoral Tempters above us; the eternal parents, good and bad, light and dark, of the supernatural realm.

How, then, are we to make ethical choices without a divine rulebook or judge? Is unbelief just the first step on the long slide into the brain death of cultural relativism, according to which many unbearable things – female circumcision, to name just one – can be excused on culturally specific grounds, and the universality of human rights, too can be ignored?
(This last piece of moral unmaking finds supporters in some of the world’s most authoritarian regimes, and also, unnervingly, on the editorial page of the Daily Telegraph,UK.)

Well, no, it isn’t, but the reasons for saying so aren’t clear-cut. Only hard-line ideology is clear-cut. Freedom, which is the word I use for the secular-ethical position, is inevitably fuzzier. Yes, freedom is that space in which contradiction can reign, it is a never-ending debate. It is not in itself the answer to the question of morals, but the conversation about that question. And it is much more than mere relativism, because it is not merely a never-ending talk show, but a place in which choices are made, values defined and defended.

Intellectual freedom, in European history, has mostly meant freedom from the restraints of the Church and not the state.

This is the battle Voltaire was fighting, and it’s also what all six billion of us could do for ourselves, the revolution in which each of us could play our small, six-billionth part; once and for all we could refuse to allow priests, and the fictions on whose behalf they claim to speak, to be the policemen of our liberties and behavior. Once and for all we could put the stories back into the books, put the books back on the shelves, and see the world undogmatized and plain.

Imagine there’s no heaven, my dear Six-Billionth, and at once the sky’s the limit.

Happy 4th of July!

My grandfather died on the fourth of July, of the year two thousand and nine.

How very ironic. I fully expected to have a fantastic holiday weekend and spend some quality time with my cousin and brother.

The phone call came around 2:30 AM of that fateful day. The house was coated with a thick film of darkness and the obnoxiously loud shrieks of my mother can be heard throughout my home. When the phone call ended, we learned in between the sobbing that my grandfather was on life support in a hospital in Saigon or Ho Chi Minh City, whatever you want to call it.

At approximately 2:45 AM on the fourth of July, the doctors pulled the plug and my grandfather suffocated in his sleep.

I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of loss from the event. When I was 13-the last time I visited Vietnam-I visited my grandfather’s room every day to listen to his stories and how he lived his life. The short 4 weeks that I spent with him was enough to last me a lifetime and made me realize how much I have lost from his death. His stories inspired me to pursue my goals and dreams of a better life for my family. He was such a kind person and I knew that he loved me as much as I loved him, no, he loved me more than that.

When my grandmother called to ask whether I was going to visit them, I was crushed. My passport had expired a year ago and I did not bother to renew it; but, there was a different reason. My family no longer had any more money to support another trip to Vietnam. We simply can no longer afford it as we could have in the past.

The melancholy atmosphere stayed with me for the rest of the afternoon. I wanted to tell somebody.

James had invited me to the Point for a 4th of July hang-out. When we arrived, we found a Chinese choir singing a song praising Jesus. I was fascinated by the beautiful melody and the encrypted language of the Chinese.

I was also blessed to have felt the kindness of a woman who offered to teach us Chinese; in an instant, I momentarily forgot all of my sadness and began my study of an alluring, yet arcane language. I learned the correct pronunciation of “wo ai ni” (I love you) in Mandarin among a few other things. I realized that all of my friends who used Chinese words had, in some way shape or form, mispronounced the language and that there was an even larger world of complicated linguistics associated with the Chinese Language.

It fascinated me, I wanted to learn more about the language. I asked her if I could learn some more Chinese from her and she told me to meet with her every Saturday at 7 PM. James and I left our meeting place feeling very contented and happy with ourselves.

We soon saw Marcus, Victoria, and Kathy. After learning how to do two line dances, I asked to talk to Marcus and James in private. I had wanted to tell them of the tragedy today separately, but I wasn’t so sure if I could repeat it twice.

“My grandfather died today.”

The reaction was a mixed one. One full of puzzlement and astonishment. Saying the words itself did not bring out any kind of emotion within myself either, I then proceeded to tell them about my grandfather.

When I started recounting the times I spent with him, a deep sense of irreplaceable loss overwhelmed me and I found that I am capable of crying, not just tears flowing down on my cheek, but the pouring sensation of tears smothering your cheeks. You could not control or stop these tears. I cried at my uselessness and my regret for not seeing my grandfather one more time before his death. I regretted every moment I could have spent with him but did not. I cried because I realized that I may also not be able to see my grandmother before she dies as well.

I was a sobbing wreck and I felt two pairs of hands pulling me aside to find a place to sit down.

Almost immediately, I realized that I was very selfish. I ruined a perfectly good day for my closest friends and made a fool of myself.

I stopped crying and apologized for it.

Feeling very sheepish, I put on a facade and tried to change the subject. I told them that I was stronger now and I wanted to share with them this very important piece of information.

I got a hug from a very special person to me. Thank you so much for the hug. I value it far more than you know.

After that, I accompanied my mom to the San Francisco International Airport to see her off to Vietnam.

I arrived home, watching the clock strike twelve marking the beginning of a new day.

Many people have fond memories of a family picnic and merry celebrations on the 4th of July. I was once like them, savoring every moment of their holiday. For some individuals, they remember the day of colonial independence from their English counterparts.

But for me, the fourth of July will forever be, to me, the day of my grandfather’s independence from the physical world.

Classes:

Period 1 ~ Physics~ Mr. Lubbs
Period 2 ~ Physics~ Mr. Lubbs
Period 3 ~ Government/Economics~Fanciullo/Martin
Period 4 ~ Drama 1~Mr. Griffin
Period 5 ~ Spanish 4 ~ Sr.Diaz
Period 6 ~ English Language~Ms. Marfia
Period 7 ~ open!

People you mostly talked to during:

Period 1 ~ Nam, Saurav, Kevin, Thanh, and Chris!
Period 2 ~ Victoria! And the others on top!
Period 3 ~ Teresa!
Period 4 ~ Chandni, Ross, Vincent!
Period 5 ~ Marcus and Christine!
Period 6 ~ Sarita, James, Cassandra, and Samantha!
Period 7 ~ Myself! And whoever wants to join me!

Random Questions:

Who was your favorite teacher?
My favorite teacher was Ms. Marfia…she’s so cool.

Who annoyed you most during 3rd period?
Long and boring lectures. Sometimes Teresa annoyed me when she was feeling antisocial (anti-life).

Who did you sit with at lunch?
All of my friends and whoever wanted to talk :D

Which period was the most boring?

Probably Economics and Drama (whenever we did presentations).

Which period were you were most likely to fall asleep or not pay attention?

err…first and third period

Which class did you get the most homework?
English, lotta essays

Which class were you the most hyper?

I say English, because I was pretty crazy with James there ;)

What was your favorite class?

English! Parties!

Did you like lunch?

Of course! Food!

Do you like going to school?
Senior year wasn’t as crazy as I had expected, but it was fun nonetheless.

Who sits behind you in Period 3?
Derek and Steven.

How many kids are in your Period 2?

I think 28-30.

What teacher do you dislike the most?
Mr. Lubbs when he becomes overwhelmingly cocky.

Can you talk in your 3rd period?
Yep.

Who sits next to you in 5th period?
Marcus and Jacklyn..until she moved. Then it was just the two of us.

Who sits in front of you in 6th?
It varies, sometimes it’s Cassandra or Katrina.

Summarize your year in three words?
Regret and fun

What do you hope next year is gonna be like?
FUN

What do you hope will change next year?
I hope I can be more open…

This past school year, have you:

Changed hair color?

No :[

Discovered a new talent?
I can make babies cry...oh wait...

Broken up with somebody?
I haven't been blessed with that opportunity.

Met someone you can’t live without?

Yes.

Was this year the best year so far?

Nope!

Made a lot of friends?
Lots of renewed friendships!

Fail a class?
Really, really close haha.

Hate a teacher?
Nope.

Get in any fights?
Yup!

Fist fights?
yes, and drew blood!

Gain any new friends?

Yeah! I got lots of new friends during Lernni's Cotillion!

Lose any old friends?
I’m making one back, but yes, yes I have

Get in a fight with a friend?
seems like too many

Gone to a movie with a friend?

Yeah! And we had dinner after too!

Lost a family member?
Nope!

Get any taller?
Like half an inch.

Know someone that graduated from high school?
....

Cut your hair?
Plenty of times!

Hug more than 3 different people?

I'm a super huggable bear!

Tell someone “I love you” and meant it?

Many, many times

Went to a fair?

No :[

Kept a secret from your parents?

Always.

Dated someone you wish you hadn’t?
Nope

Hated someone of the opposite sex?
Yeahhh

Hated someone of the same sex?
Can't remember, though I'm pretty sure I did a while ago.

Saw a kiddie movie at the theater?

I don't think so.

Spent most of your year watching TV?
Nope!

Sat through something boring?
hmm, I don't remember those events.

Drove a car?
T________T

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Well, it's been a while since I last blogged and I guess the only reason I can think of is:

I'm lazy.

I've become so addicted to reading other people's blogs that I've neglected my own blog. I go on my computer every day to check my email, read some manga, and read other people's blogs. I think I will try to revive my blog. I'll attempt to make a post every two or three days but no guarantees there buddies!

See you all in the future! :]

Awesomeness

Bus ride to Eastridge: $5 (Stupid me >.> )

Yummy Yogurt: $3

Eating fat filled food from McDonald’s with your two best buddies in your parent’s store when you should be working instead of stuffing yourself like a pig:

Priceless

There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else, there are your best friends.

-Eddie

P.S. I am so sorry Mastercard if I’m infringing on any copyright laws! :D

Sunday Evening

Following my lovely afternoon with the guys and other whatnot, I realized that I needed to be at home for my Spanish project.

But when I got home, it seems that the location was actually at Fowler Park…lovely. So, I got my bike and cycled the treacherous path to Fowler.

Filming and finishing the video took much longer than I had anticipated, but we finished nonetheless.

After we finished, I biked down to Marcus’s house at around 6:50; but, I realized that he was having dinner, so I sat outside his house for a good 20 minutes, fiddling with my cell phone, before I called him.

Too bad we couldn’t go out for a walk, I was really looking forward to it. But eh, we can’t always get what we want. I think I’m more bummed out by the fact that I wasted so much time for nothing.

I sat outside of the house for another 10 minutes, hoping in vain that he’d come out or something. Then, I biked down to my bank to deposit some money and hurried on my way home.

So here I am. Blogging to you all about my wonderful day.

I’m going to go sleep, big day tomorrow.

-Eddie

Sunday Afternoooonn

So I’m sitting here at my parent’s store doing…nothing. Really, I’m just sitting here and blogging. Well, I guess that’s doing something.

Jonny, Anthony, Nabeel, and Jeff came by today to say hi. I like how every time they’re at Eastridge, I’m also at the store, eagerly waiting to meet them.

We chatted for a bit and they went off to trade something at Gamestop.

I still have some homework left to do, ughhhh

I can’t sleep.

For some odd reason, I don’t feel well. It’s not because I’m sick because I pretty much recovered from the illness. It feels like depression (and oh boy, we sure don’t want to go down that road again…).

I’m having such negative thoughts right now that it makes me wonder how it got there. I should be very happy at this moment. I just finished going to one of the best trips I’ve ever had with my best friend (although it was very tiring) and I’ve met some wonderful and interesting people on the amtrak (which I’ll blog more about later).

I think I’m simply dissatisfied with my life as of right now.

I want everything happening in my life to end right now and start all over again. I want high school to end, I want to go to college, I want to begin my career, I want to start over, I want, I want, I want…..

I sound very selfish right now.

It’s an inexplicable, inescapable feeling that leaves me utterly helpless at the power of depression. I wonder if it is depression or is it just dissatisfaction?

Either way, I’m having some very moody, cynical, and depressing thoughts.

But do you know what I really want right now?

I want a hug.

It’s strange, wanting a hug at this hour of the night. I just want a hug from somebody: my mom, my brother, Marcus, Audrey, Christine, George, Teresa…whoever I can grab right now.

I have pains in my chest, is it because of a desire of company? I do miss my friends a lot, but I want a hug more.

I recall how, in the past, my thoughts of suicide and death simply dissipated with just one hug. It’s a wonderfully simple and powerful weapon against negativity.

I want a hug, but nobody’s going to give it to me at one in the morning because nobody’s going to be awake at this hour of the night.

I want to feel better about myself and other people. I hate this feeling of depression. I want to talk to somebody about it.

I hope I can go on a promenade tomorrow…err today.

….I still want a hug…dammit

On Second Thought…

I realized that my previous post contains a lot of information about my financial aid. Seeing as how I don’t want random people reading about my aid package, I’ve put a password onto the post.

If you’re a friend and you’re interested in reading the post, just give me a call or leave a comment. I’ll give you the password :]

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